Hard times lately?
I’ve been going through a season of loss and grief and re-examining just about everything in my life
They say that you change entirely every seven years
What they don’t say is that actually, you’re changing daily – entirely new cells regenerating, meaning you physically wake anew each day.
And you and I… we are changing, aren’t we?
Old paradigms falling down. Old ways of thinking and believing and existing even… shifting and causing deep soul upheaval as we struggle to shed the old and move into the new.
Here the summer heat is rising; a time of beach walks now and long dinners outside, conversation and contemplation,
Where the heat forces you out of doing, and into just being. Because sometimes, it’s the being we forget.
I sat and journalled and walked and sunned
Stayed away from IG and newsletters and livestreams and the current epidemic of bleeding heart political opinion saturated facebook
Looked at my life in some daydreamy kind of way only to realise with a shock of course, because I thought my life was incredible
That in order to get to this place?-
There’s been a whole lot of healing going on.
A whole lot of things
I’ve been through
Things that although we heal from, bear their scars – because although our cells renew, our memories are stored at a far deeper cellular level
And they hold us close until we realise
Until you realise
That there is a whole lot of loss and losing involved to be at the point where you actually can find joy in just being.
I’ve healed from
*being a child of multiple divorces
*domestic violence in my family
*alcoholism (not mine)
*having an absent father
*birth induced post traumatic stress disorder
and perhaps the biggest killer of all joy-
*low self esteem
Where some days I thought I was so unattractive I couldn’t even look in the mirror…
Which most people would never imagine because they all tell me how confident I am. Of course, isn’t that always the way?
So when a friend asked me recently how my miscarriage five years ago was impacting me now
It took my breath away because – I’d never stopped to think that it was.
How often have you stopped to think just how much your past is unknowingly impacting your future?!
But of course! It was. I’d just never realised how.
I’d never realised how grief and guilt holds you back in so many ways.
I’d never realised how loss leaves a hole inside of you;
One that I tried to fill with all the wrong things.
I’d never realised how childhood lack resulted in the hole growing
The pressure from parents to be good and achieve more fracturing and fissuring of already splintered veins
The desperation to fill the hole
I looked at all of these things when my friend asked me that question and thought for the first time-
Why did I have to go through all of that
And of course it wasn’t with victim mentality
The WHY ME POOR ME mindset
But simply the ability to stare at my life as if through a window and ask why it had rained so much.
I mean – isn’t it enough now? The struggle and the suffering? When would it end?
I knew there was a pattern
Events and occurrences following me around
And that natural instinctive reaction to crawl back into the hole –
Eat/ don’t eat / fight / run / push / bury
And I realised that for so long –
I’d been looking for purpose and meaning OUTSIDE OF MYSELF
Another way to fill the hole.
That for so long I’d thought about what my clients needed to see / learn / know
Wondering why I always felt disconnected and empty despite my clients often experiencing near – miracle results
When in fact what I needed to see / learn / know
Was that purpose? Is found within the pain.
PURPOSE IS FOUND WITHIN THE PAIN
Not outside of it. Not running away from it. Not filling the hole with all the wrong things or trying to guess what they want you to be and working from that space
But that realisation of knowing that purpose
And finding your true purpose
Is about being willing to go so deep within it hurts to even look at yourself
And then looking at yourself anyway
THE PURPOSE IS FOUND IN THE PAIN.
And so I took apart again how I had healed or not fully healed
And took a needle to it
Sat with it
And then stitched it back up again
Better this time
Because I’d found the bullet within the hole that was once lodged so deeply
That only a cut of Purpose could bring it out.
And I healed
And more healing began
Long dinners with friends
The first real rush of self love for my body disintegrating disordered eating and bodily abuse
What flourished instead was a beautiful body, nourished, healthy, valued.
What emerged was self awareness of how all of these things had held me back from true purpose
I’d been searching in all of the wrong places for so many things.
What emerged with the awareness and the healing, within growth, was
* a nourished, healed, attractive body
*physical appreciation of who I am and how I appear
*changing-room love, where I didn’t feel like I had to try clothes on at home or hide
*a new wardrobe that made me feel amazing and like dancing everywhere I walked
*deepening friendships and restoration of old ones
*open space for honest conversation within my marriage
*confidence and connection in an even deeper purpose and more ways I can help you
*a renewed love of life
The healing was at times, deep and raw. Upleveling and shedding old things I’d once believed in as the only way of existing meant I cried in cafes, at dinner, on the beach.
I cried as I journalled.
But I also healed through my work. Healing through helping.
And it became that odd mix of pain and pleasure and then a sense of being broken open and yet being caught in a cup of love and peace which says
Here. This is your place in the world.
And I felt that what I had been searching for as Cheryl Strayed so beautifully puts it in her book Wild
I thought I had been searching for a way out… it turns out I had been looking for a way in.
Sometimes, in fact most of the time… we need to stop looking, searching for the way out. And begin to accept the way out begins In.
There will always be healing to do. We are human.
But I feel more whole now. Like a stronger, better (and totally hotter)! version of myself has landed within my skin and made herself at home.
And I really like her.
So that’s where I’ve been.
Finding acceptance and peace of around all that has gone before
Excitement for each day again, full connection, full power. I didn’t realised how blocked I had become until I entered into healing and it was like the earth flowing through me again, ideas flowing like torrents because of course
I had finally unblocked myself. I realised – your hard times are your guidemap to your true north. Your route home again, and that –
Here on the island of love, birthplace of Aphrodite Goddess of Love, I found a kind of love I was never expecting; the best kind. Self-love.
That’s truly a glorious thing.
And if you know you need more of the same –
You too want to move into, and out of deep and transformational healing
You too want to find self love and that gorgeous love of life that gets you jumping out of bed each morning
You want deeper connection with purpose
To be weighed down with less emotion or exhaustion or confusion
This week sees the launch of something very different and new for me.
And I can’t wait to bring it to you. My lips are sealed for now but…
It’s HOT. And beautiful. And filled with love and healing and meaning and purpose.
Keep an eye out for it 🙂