The flakes fall occasionally from my window, and the world sees the wonderland on my social media.
But when I look out of the window?
Sure, I see a little (or a lot!) of the Christmas Magic!
But also –
In the silence of the snow
I see sadness
I feel every branch of the tree, made still by the snowfall
The empty expanse of white makes me nostalgic for a past that isn’t even mine.
I wonder who else, with me, stares at the snow and feels the pull of isolation
The starkness of winter beauty.
I throw my breakfast out of the window because I feel sad for the birds, food-less.
I look at the ponies and wonder why they aren’t wearing rugs and whether I should buy some.
And then last night –
overflowing tears at The Dressmaker, the unfairness of a story that isn’t even real.
Is it just me?
The wonderings of an empath, of the highly sensitive person.
Isn’t this really weird?
Am I depressed?
You’re not depressed.
You’ve always been this way. You cried as if your heart would break reading Lassie when you were 9. When Jo died in Little Women. You felt the terror from the wolves of Willoughby Chase and became vegetarian at 8 to ‘save the animals’-
You’ve been this way every since you can remember and it’s what makes you beautiful, feeling the world so deeply, like your own heartbeat
And the reason you –
Is – don’t you see?
Because you’ve been given this endless connection to the world that can never be satisfied or complete, or fully ‘happy’ in that way, their way.
Satisfied with ownership and possessions
And some of us succumb to the things they tell us will stop us feeling
Disconnecting, numbing out from it all
From the truth of our souls
Don’t you see?
The very things that weigh on you, run through you.
Are the things THEY need to feel!
You are a channel! –
The way you choose to live your beautifully free life
Is you sharing
All you have discovered WITHIN, that longing for the world
And you can try to categorise it
Box it up
9-5 schedule it all you like
Dose her up, up and away
Bury yourself in the safety and security of traditional marriages, mortgages, and normality
Call it the 6 figure goal and chase the normal HUMAN aspirations and the things that make THEM happy –
Or you can begin to see that actually MAYBE
Their way isn’t for you either
And the more you try to classify and resist?
The Less of You you’re becoming
The Less of You there is left for infinite creation
The Less of You there is for unrestricted love
(Isn’t that how eating disorders take root and hold – in our becoming less, so we can fit into the world that seems to big for us to grasp, drowning in the depths of our emotion)??
Until you become like
The branches of the snow
Beautiful on the outside only
Because you buried everything that made you magnificent
Isn’t it time
When everything is being started afresh; to stop denying?
Burying yourself in the masculine, and the push, and the aggression, and the fighting, and the hostility, and the tension
And you want to know how to focus??
How to feel passionate, and ON FIRE again?
Simply look at where you’re burying your joy
In the things you –
The things you consume that are so easy
To distract you from FEELING.
When you don’t feel
Sure, you can still create
But is it you at your most magnificent, working in your full power, in tune and fiery energy of you very being?
The goal isn’t not to feel
It’s to feel more
To find your peace WITHIN the chaos
Not to deny it
And THERE exists your wonderland where it sat all along
Not outside your window
But within it